this is me..

so overrr three years of not writing a thing in this, but maybe this is what i need to do right now. theres no way to summaraize what has happened in three years so il just focus on the right now. im dealing with some major depressive disorder shit. im not really happy about that , clearly that makes sense. but, i just turned 21 yesterday and was too upset to do shit so that gets me mad. and im not really in hte mood to do anything now. and despite everything theres one person who has added to this saddness. i was dealing with it prior to them but now theyve hurt me and im a lot owrse off. and of course im watching thenotebook, which is one of my favorite movies but then again gets me sad becuase i feel alone again. its not like this is publicised or anything at all anywhwere anymore.. but i just really dont understand what i do to fall for the ones tha end up hurting me. this is the scenario. i have been dating someone; it started out in contreversy (old favortie word.) but it turned into somthing good. ryan never wnated any sort of a title -i could tell i didnt push it, i had learned ya kno how to not get myself be that girl. eventually though i really fell for him. i really did. it was feelings a lot like love though we never said it to eachother.. but i can tell it is because of how sad i am now that hes hurt me. he took some girl (he met or she found him on facebok.. some weird shit.. slut?) to his formal (hes in a frat im in a sororoity now . cool. ) and dont we all love the internet.. and how greek life can make a school the size of a small city the size of a frat house; everyone knows what he did/and hwo hes acting.. i look oke a total loser and feel just as bad. actually 1000x bad. nad i know i should just be like FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU ryan. becuase thats what is the smart thing and thats what he deserves. im really not a bad person; i know im not. things like this always make me question myself though. like i put myself out there, a lot. and he knows that- he really knows a lot about me. and i thought i really knew him . im getting confused but i just wish i could snap a finger and be like " I FORGIVE u " and him be like im relaly sorry becuae i trelally dont understnad what im missing out on. " .. i just wish he cared teh same way i do </3.

so, ive decided to update this thing, its definitely been at least a year, maybe a little bit shorter, but definitely a while. i want to keep this thing going... alright last time was may 12, 2005, nearllyyy a full year ago. alright well i just read what i had written, and my life has changed TOTALLLLLY. first off. that was may 2005, towards the end of my junior year, that summer, i stupidly got involved once again w.... you guessed it chris! veryyy stuipd of me! i spent nearly 400 on a plane ticket to tampa, just to be sent home two days early b/c hte girl he was 'using' for her money came home and i couldnt be there... hmm... so thats when i finalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly realized what sort of an ASSSSSSSSSSSSHOLE christopher schaefer is. so the rest of the summer was a lotta fun. went back to harbor as a counselor, worked witht he BEST gropu ever! (yayy 2/3 girls ) then got ready for my senior year! so senior year started, mrs griffin fucked me over by makking me take precalc. ugh it realllly sucks and it totally killed my graduating w.a high honors diploma! anyway so senior year has been pretty crazy. ive rekindeled some old loves <333333 which were the best to begin w.anyway and ive gotten into 5 schools, waitlisted to 3 and rejected from one. the w/l ones were my top choices but next year at university of hartford ( yeahhh 2010! ) should be a goood time ! i wanna hardcore update this w.stuff so imma keep at it, i just dyed eggs and my hands are green && i feel gross. anyways il write later probally cuz loves being a poop and might not hang out w.me AGAIN tonight

you know you love me,

sara

i dunno if i could acutally fill you up on six months of my life in one day - i will tho. when school ends...



no one reads this anymore


when me & chris were like back together ... AGAIN ( what third time?! ) he read this and he thought it was sad like the shit entries w.all the stuff i went thro last year... primarily because of him - well ... yea he was like 'i cant believe i did that to you im so soryr baby il make it up to you one day" well wehns that day gonna come... now hes w.some sorority slut = GOOD ONE...


<3

yeah.. it's def been a while.. really only like a few weeks..but these past two have been crazy and full of a lot of news. lets go back.. well i got really good grades.. well not like omg yhour a genuis grades..but uh as babies knows i improved quitee a bit from last year.. i have a 3.4 but with some contreversial spanish deal it should be and maybve after talking w.senora will be a 3.5 :) the work load is getting tremendously ridiculous however and idk what im going to do.. whatev. so for the past 3ish weeks i had been hanging out w.rob a lot.. yeah we wer togehter.. it was pretty cool..but things started to take a turn for the worse.. well.. maybe not a turn for the worst in entireity but for me & rob.. chris came back into our lives... ohh boy yeah i know what your all thinking.. sara your a freakin idiot.. but whatever.. if your reading this hunnn.. people think im an idiot. :) me & him started tawking again and most of you know whats going on.. but to be fair and respectful to him since he hates these livejournal things.. i wont go into details of our conversations or our bussiness.. because it is that mine & his bussiness alone.. but to make this TREMENDOUSLY LONG & CONFUSING STORY SHORT... i'm praying for the best and hopefully christopher isnt bein a 'bonifide husseler' ( [; haha <3 ) and everything wil work out the way i hope/pray/wnat them too.. my heart and my head are in terrible confussion and i hope he knows that and i hope herealizes all this extra bs he puts me thro.. but i love it i love him :-/ still yeah i know im insane riight? but whatever when you all are truly in love.. come tawk to me.. aight? okay, cool. i jsut wishthat i was two years older or even that he was ayear younger bc then we both agree we'd definitely be together.. i care about himsoi much still and want to be happy, with him, together.. besides that whole bussiness.. life is okay school is insane as i mentioned earlier..and i think im quitting.. haha yeah right.. but the teachers are absofuckinlutely ridicoulus and dont seem to comprehend that a 900 page bookk is relaly long.. ( EFF U MR KUNST ) oh well.. this weekend was funn.. friday night i stayed home to get work done..but of course accompolished little in retrosepct ot hwat i had hope to accomplish.. saturday worked all day 10-6 then was joiend my CMACCCCCCCCCCC then lata erin & jeanne to find halloween costumes.. so tired by the end of that that we didnt even wanna go to the party..haha <3 which was fun.. sort of.. random / but fun.. a lil awkward too ( FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO JUST LOVE TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE LAST PARTY.. you suck :) ) but then yesterday was halloween and who really can concentrate on hwk when its hallolween..hey i ttried but i took my neices trick or treating ( oh yeah gonna have them up on the site when thro.. ) but then we went out to dinner aznd i gott really sick so i just didnt do work hswen we cme home and idndt go to school todya.. oh well firsdt time all year.. bpretty good.. imma go read ap euro but i'l write again soon..


babies, im gonnabe honest because honesty is the best policy,




a&f..





oh and rob_i'm sorry for everything that went on between us.. im sorry for the way you feel now..

yeahhh friday night i had work 5-close. it wasnt that bad had like 2 birthday parties, maybe and some amkeovers.. then i asked numba one if he wanted to hang out but he was workin til 12 and ya kno im totally allowed to go out after tweleve..well maybe that one time during the summer when me billy tori and some other randompeople went out to 7-11 and ttalked w.some biker dudes and then the beach at like 2.3o in the morning.. so yeah got home & watched tv w.my mom..then i was going to bed @ like 11.3o but SOMEONE kept txtin me til like 2.. dammit.. ;) hah jk ily.

then friday got up for work 10-6 looong day fuckers. yeah then went shoppin w.la madre for a lil bit then rob came & we went to his hosue but really joes house .. anyways he hates abercrombie :( lol hten we went and wtached the most amazingggest baseball game ( hellllllllllz yeah the yankees are a m a z i n g ) but he almost jinxed us into losing..thank god he didnt or i might have to stop being friends w.him.. hmm yeah i miss my GAYVONES and everyone from smithtown.. i'm talking to willl about my withdrawl feelings right now.

and ooooooooooooooooooooomgggg i can not W A I T to see my stephanie ! i miss her soo much ! ! yes.. hmm not sure whats goin on today .. hpefully tanning & nails. idk yet if not today deff tomorrow
g onna go take a showaaaa alone. :(
hha

<3

o m g the concerct last niight was amazingggggggggggggggggggggggggg so many amazinggg artists were thereee.. USHER of course.. hmm kanye P DIDDY ~?! wtf mate!?! amazing surprise... one that slutfacee ( aka - michelle ) hadnt told me about.. hmm maybe that was my special surprise! ) elephant man ! LuDA ! hm idk even kno ! hah oh yeah and christina milian..but do we care? honestly.lol so had some D R A M A w.the trip there .. my goddddddddddd amazingggg adventures ! lol so the trian we were suppposed to take never came.. so they sent these 2 school busses that we fought our way on to one of them and luckily managed to stay on..standing and smushed on the laps of strangers but we made it to hunnington wher then we made it to penn station.. then the concertttttttttttttttttt ! good god - thank you for usher ! .. then almost missed the train home cuz they switched the track like two minutes before we left so luckily met up back w.the whole group ( marta sean ojeda & her friend ) for the trip home.. yeah so got home around 2.. yeah didnt go to school for a fuckin half day. startin to talk to #1 again <3. hopefully things wil work out the way ther supposed to..but mans is stil ther :-/ idk whats wrong.. ahve work today..should be fun oh and my moms being a bitch.

<3 ~S~

ooh yeahhhh it was ushers birthday yesterday..and i S A N G to him ! <33333333

this weekend was horrible. saturday after work - majooooooooooooor mama drama after work saturday..and on sunday too.. then some more on monday.. i think its cooled down by now tho. in sucha confused state right now " im twisted cuz one side of me is tellin me to move on but the other side i wanna break down & cry" i prob quoted that wrong but i dont care right now. IM INTERRUPTING MY DRAMA for allt he motherr effing DRAMA ino ur lives right now.. so much bs over our livejournals.. and college sucks i dont ever wanna have to go thro leaving everyone bc thats when we all change hmm our whole 'circle' is going thro a lot right now i have no idea why its so segregated.. its really kind of between jeanne emily & becca.. even tho i feel me & becca have reasons also to be included.. but its between them and its between no one else..s tupid niggas shoudlnt get involved and cuase even mor drama

ooh fyi _ happyyyyyyyyyy 18th birthday laurrrrrrrrrrrrrrra lippppppppppppp - plian & simple - i love you

guys lets just stop this. life is overrwhelming me right now otherwise otuside of this drama.. physics suck.. so does precalc classes are jsut annoying this year. the PSATs tomorrow i dont know why im freaking out about them im doing alot better in english and i just gotta think i mean really think for math . :-/

im not tired to concencrate on this. just i dont know what to do .. i want to start something w.someone but then this otha nigga well he just has me wrapped around his finger and then stil makes me wnat them and well IF YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS YA KNOW


people change <3

this week was soo long. we had a test in e v e r y subjectt.. well cept ap pysch and physics but thats stil four tests plus we had a test and an essay in english so thats like two.. hmm monday had ballet but ms diane was in a biatchh mood so i wasnt happy bout that. on tuesday which is my loongest day of the week anywyas since i spend the entire morning in memorial witha block of ap pysch.. well tuesday i had w0rk for fourrr hours man so i got home and had to study for ap euro & english then shouldve started my ap pysch but was just to tiredd i was falling asleep. then went to bed at like 12ish.. it was a really emo day and when i first got home i talked to mans online and he was being a nice kidd then i was serioulsy crying myeyes out and hes like i promise we'll talk thursday.hmmm yeah right so anywyas wed had SAT class oh got my nails doneo n monday dont like the wya they turned outso hopefully they'll grow a lot by next monday hmm thursday.. bad day just a reallyy badd day.. not as bed as wednesday tho then yesterdayy..hmm schoool wasnt badd at all bc c i had a pre calc test which sucked but then mr hickey wasnt here for physics then mr kunst was the chapel speaker so we went to 1st chapel instead of 2nd to listen to him then came back for 1o mins and he had to go to 2nd chapel so we had a free..then pysch ended the mornign which is annoying but whatev..then lunch was good.. but i felt fat bc i aate it.. then had a free spanish (suckkked) and ap euro.. oh well so yeah that was my week had to stay @ school til the five then came home and did nothing for a bit.. talked to matt alot, random i know. yeah so i was pretty set on having to stay in for the night :/ then CMACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC called whose my bfffffffffffffffff and then i got dressed and stuff then billy called from outsie bc hes afraid of my moom and is like im here so then we went to the parking lot and ther was some drama but it turned out okay because me & emily left my salad for a hungrey person. (: hmm yeah so came home watched some tv and slept downstairs w .the baby til like 3 then came up here and ive been waking up a lot like at four 6 7 now 8 and im up and i wasnt playin to get up for like another 2o mins dkfjaskfjkadlsj hate it when that happens anyways got libby lu from 10-6 hmm yeah this'll be funn.. so i gotta showerr & shiatt. i miss my babes.. i really do and idk whats been goin on w.him.. now billy understands .. Chances are theres stil a chance ;) haha


~ lata lovess..hmm yOo allread this why dotn you comment every Once in a while ~

so whats been going on lately.. some stupid ass baby hasnt & me havent been really talkin that much since monday.. hes so up & down..

~ you're all reading this............... i know you are........... leave some loveeeeeeee ~


anyways..thats a little upsetting..hopefully will this weekend tho bc i gotta buy tickets. schools been..eh same as usual nothing special. yesterday at like 6 in the mroing szomeone called then i found it was danielle and jenessa fell off the bed. danielle took her to the hospital ( and jon ) and then at like 1.3o my mom called a billion times. jenessa's in the hospital. she has 2 skull fractures on both sides of her head :-/ so then i was really worried for the rest of the day so then wehn school ended waitied for my mom to take me to the hospital.. she was in PICU .. it was lkike the saddest thing ever.. so many babies there w.cancer and so many sick and hurt children..i was in PICU myself 10 years ago ish.. its so sad. i stayed @ the hospital for six hours and i'm praying nothing weird happened over night. i realyy hope gods actualy out there.. thatd be nice.

i'l talk to you later

i love you, i'm sorry for that, but it's the truth.

~ peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee out ~

eh so week has been blah thus far. sunday nightt had a nicee long conversation w.mans :) make me very happy <-- gotta get outta that languagee! so we talk very longg time then he said that i should call him laterr..and i stil had homework to do so i went and did that.. and called him laterr but he was shaving and hten going to do laundy and he has to be up madd early for rotc shitt so then he sai il try really ahrd to call you bak.. so i went to bed around 11.15 and then he hadnt called so my alarm starts to go off and thats when i unplug my cell form the charger..and its ringing? and its mr christopher w.a wake up call!? wtf mate!? i missed those.. ya know i didnt even use an alarm clock last year! hah. so hmm..yeah that was nice.. school was blahhh .. not any worse then it could've been. i had no testst o study for so thats always a relife.. oh wait yes i did i had to study for ap pysch ..but besides that it wasnt that harsh.. then hmm.. i went to BALLET <-- big drama before i wnet into the class i was like having a nervous breakdown but it was on flat so it wasnt bad and i actually had fun w.my partner lauren haha. hmm then came home studieddd and i did good today i think only one wrongg ! and maybe like one t hing on the table.. then school was blahh as usual..cept i got so little hwk and i finished it before i came home. one tree hill is on tonightt yayyyy and hopefully getting a call from mans too ! .. jsut another thing.. dho was the first to notice something today_it means a lot that she cares, dho-bff :)

okayy yeah i know not much to say.. I REALYYYYY Gotta put up picturess! muchh love

soconfusedbyyOo*